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by maemusicmelody



Category: Love Live! School Idol Festival (Video Game), Love Live! School Idol Project, Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Angst, F/F, this is honestly just really bad vent, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-20
Updated: 2018-06-20
Packaged: 2019-05-25 22:09:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14986631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maemusicmelody/pseuds/maemusicmelody
Summary: Ruby has to deal with a lot of emotional issues but Kanan always makes her feel safe.





	Home

**Author's Note:**

> Some vent

Home is where you feel safe, a place where you are comfortable closing your eyes and falling asleep without a care in the world. It is a place where you go and know that you will be loved and cared for. It is a place that just feels… like home.

For a long time, I never understood this. I always felt so alone even with my sister in the next room and my parents down the hall. Is that weird? Maybe it was because my parents expected so of me and the pressure got to be too much to handle. I’m expected to be perfect like my sister but why don't people understand I’m not the same person? I have my own strengths and my own weaknesses… I try my hardest, but it doesn’t seem to be enough. Maybe that’s why I never felt like I had a place inside that house.

Elementary school, junior high, high school, college. All that passed and I tried really hard to figure things out for myself. Who am I? What was I meant to do? What kind of person am I really?

I thought by then, I had it all figured out. I am timid and anxious, and I can be clumsy at times. I can be a bit oblivious to other people since I am not the most street smart. But I can also be brave when I’m protecting the ones I love and I am compassionate towards others’ feelings. That’s the kind of person I am. I am good. I am not perfect, but I am good.

At least that’s what I thought.

I fell in love with my childhood friend and when she accepted my feelings, I know I should have felt amazing, but I didn’t. Early on in the relationship, Kanan hurt me, and from then on out I closed myself off. I guess it was my way of protecting myself. She did her best to reassure me and make me feel loved, but I wouldn’t accept it. I was too afraid so I pushed her away. She continued on trying and trying, but as the time passed I grew to be angry, selfish, and mean. In the end, I hurt her.

Slowly I lost myself. I would stare into the mirror where a small, red headed girl would look with glossy eyes and not recognize herself. All I could see was the monster I had become. The monster that hurt the one she loved the most.

Only then did I truly understand. Funny how it takes sitting in the darkness to be able to finally see the light. Only then did I realize all the good and all the bad. Only then did I realize she was my home.

We worked things out, but I my heart is still in pain. I am afraid. Afraid because I know it will take time for myself to heal.. Afraid that I will work hard and it won’t be enough. Afraid that the monster will come back and I will lose everything I care about.

“Ruby. Sweetheart, you okay?” Her voice brought me out of my thoughts. When I looked up at her, my eyes met her sparkling amethyst hues and her gentle smile. Oh right. We were watching a movie.

A part of me wanted to lie, but I was trying to get better with expressing my feelings right? To be more open? To be a better person? So I shook my head and didn’t pretend to smile. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t paying attention to the movie…”

“Hm…?” Her smile was sad and full of concern, but that wasn’t bad right? It meant she loves me? “Hey. It’s okay. Do you want to talk about it?”

I paused before looking away, afraid that if I kept staring at her I would break down into tears again. “I’m j-just… scared.”

“I know.” She leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on top of my head and pulled me into her arms even more. “I am too.”

“I’m sorry…” My body was shaking as I was trying to hold in my tears. Even though things were getting better now, the guilt was still eating me up. I want to do more for her. I want to show her how much I love her. I want to show her I’m trying my best to change. I want this to work out. I want to be with her. You know, I kinda want to laugh at myself because I have probably told her all this a thousand times just within the past week, yet I still feel so… I just need to do more.

“Don’t be. Everything is going to be okay now. I love you.” I could feel her hand rubbing my back gently, trying to help me stop shaking. I finally turned back to meet her gaze, my eyes glossed and it was hard to see her.

“I love you too.” I managed to say before I choked on a sob. “More than anything.”

She nodded her head and I feel a warms as she pulled the blankets around us and wrapped her arms tighter around me. I placed my ear against her chest and listened to the stop thumping of her heart.

This is home. At that instant, I just knew. I felt safe and warm, as if the world couldn’t hurt my as long as I stayed there in her arms. I felt loved and needed. I felt like I belonged. She made me happier than I ever been in my life.

So I will work hard for this. To make things better. To be better. To be happy. I will work hard every day for the both of us.

I will work hard because she is my home and I would do anything to protect her.


End file.
